Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The tendency is to make excuses for domestic abusers

An abuser can make a convincing argument to a friend that is accused of abusing their spouse or significant other. They believe their friend and fault the abuser. They just can’t believe their male friend they know so well is capable of such behavior.

The abuser exhibits no signs to their friends and can even convince them the abuse is justified or only “imagined” by the victim. It must be her fault … she antagonizes him … she is exaggerating … she should forgive him and take him back, they say.

The abuser yells, intimidates, isolates, withholds affection, exhibits jealousy and nothing the victim does is good enough. The abusive behavior can filter down to children living in the household.

Discussing a recent abusive situation with someone who has been there was a real bonding moment. Sitting down with this professional woman the other evening was cathartic.

“It’s like water torture” referring to mental abuse she said. In unison we both said “just hit me and get it over with” then we laughed as we both have been out of our abusive relationship for some time.

Until recently I didn’t realize that you never really heal. Unsuspectingly that stomach churning flash back rears its ugly head when you observe someone elses abusive relationship. It is hard to explain to someone else unless you’ve been there. At least 50 percent of women have been there.

The abused is in a constant state of fear – walking on eggshells. What will set him off today?

Past victims are like bloodhounds. They can recognize the first whiff of abusive tendencies in others. That makes the previously abused all the more responsible for identifying, reporting abusive behavior.

In most cases the abused is so lost in the cycle they can’t help themselves. It is up to those who have broken the cycle to point out the options to them.

Pointing out the options may be all you can do unless children are involved. You must take action then.

Living with an explosive individual (it can be a woman too) is a living hell. It can effect the partner and children emotionally and permanently even if no punch is thrown.

Often the abuser is admired in the community and in social setting shows no signs of their explosive nature. This is one reason the abused spouse feels helpless in the situation – no one will believe me she thinks. Everyone thinks he is a “good guy.”

Often an abuser shows signs but excuses are made. They may kick the cat. Unguarded moments in the workplace or social setting can reveal a “mean streak.” They may belittle their spouse in public or to their friends.

It is all about control. They may be insecure with themselves and need to belittle others to boost their self-importance.

For signs of abuse CLICK HERE.

Related article: Domestic Violence Taskforce Success

Posted By Valerie Garner

Categories: Commentary, Crime

Tags: ,

Comments (3)


April 21st, 2010 at 11:21 AM    

I totally agree. It is hard for women to make people understand when all they see is this charismatic man. What people are forgetting is that there are kids involved. If a protective order or a warrant has been filed then here is sufficient evidence. That means that someone has testified under oath. Furthermore, if a protecive order has been given for the kids and adult then it has to be very convincing. This means a child has sworn under oath about an abuse. It doesn’t matter what the man says. He tells everyone it is the woman’s fault because she is crazy or she is the one who is the abuser.


April 21st, 2010 at 11:39 AM    

Wow! You hit it just right. My husband was this ‘great man’ who everyone loved. His church thought he walked on water. What they didn’t know is that he was slapping his kids around and the verbal abuse was off the charts. Yeah we call our husbands assholes every once in a while. The man may call you a bitch here and there. But when it a daily assault of verbal abuse to where the kids and the mom hide or have to walk on eggshells to not piss him off, then that is another story. A person in the public eye has to have a different persona. Just like a professional at work. You don’t come home and file reports with your wife or wear a tie. When a man walks through the door, he changes. He just went from one stressful situation to another. Some can handle it, others can’t. It is no excuse. A child is a child. If they have told the court that their daddy hit them, they don’t care what the man says. Plus when a counselor gets the info straight from the child, that’s another ding on the road to freedom. My thought is that why is it a misdemeaner? It should be an automatic felony. The hell the family goes through is just as damaging as being raped or murdered.


April 21st, 2010 at 5:15 PM    

@julie the person I sat down with was an attorney too. She explained the legalities.

Comments are not moderated. Notify any abuse at info@roanokefreepress.com put ABUSE in the subject and the offensive post.

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